Shaping Families

Sexual Misconduct in Churches

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BURTON: One of the tragic issues in families, churches and schools is the incidence of sexual abuse or misconduct, especially by persons who hold power over others. It’s a topic we’re tackling on Shaping Families today with the help of a father and son willing to share their story. I’m Burton Buller.

MELODIE: And I’m Melodie Davis. This particular situation happened years ago, but the issue is still with us. You don’t have to read many newspapers or websites to find stories and statistics. Sexual abuse of minors by adults has received significant media attention, not only in the U.S. but in many countries.

BURTON: In our interviews today, you’ll hear about a counselor, who was also a lay leader in the church, manipulating the insecurities of young men. One of these young men was Darrel Brubaker, the son and brother of our guests. We’ll first hear from Darrel’s twin brother, David. David Brubaker today is Associate Professor of Organizational Studies at the Center for Justice & Peacebuilding at Eastern Mennonite University here in Harrisonburg, Virginia.

DAVID: Darrel had been youth minister at a congregation in Pennsylvania where several of the young men had been victims of sexual misconduct by a counselor. And Darrel himself, along with his fiancé, went to see this counselor for premarital counseling and Darrel was asked to come back alone and during that visit the counselor attempted to abuse him sexually as well.

BURTON: Soon Darrel became aware that this was part of a pattern for this counselor. His father, Merle explains.

MERLE: He became aware of some young men who had been sexually exploited and he came to me. He said, “I have these six young men who are ready to tell their stories to try to stop this from continuing.”

BURTON:  Merle was a pastor himself. He was very concerned when Darrel had to be hospitalized as a result of depression. Darrel was deeply disturbed not only by his own encounter with the counselor, but by his inability to get help for the other victims.

MERLE: It’s my clear impression that it came about because of his deep disappointment that he was failing at what he had hoped to do which was to get help for these young men. He just felt that was a total failure. I think that was the main part.

BURTON: David helped his brother form a victim’s advocacy group.

DAVID: As other young men began to describe their experiences with this counselor, Darrel realized that they were telling the truth and began to advocate for them and for their needs and also for the counselor to be stopped. It took months, if not years, of trying to be heard by leaders in that denomination and eventually the counselor was suspended for a year and there was some intervention to have him see another counselor. But Darrel continued to be concerned because after that year he went back into circulation throughout the denomination.

BURTON: In time, Darrel moved, took a new job, partly to get away from the stress of the abuse and cover-up.  Over the years he was hospitalized for depression several times. Even though he received the best of psychiatric care and had the loving support of family and wife, eventually, he took his own life.  David’s experiences with his brother led him to focus his work on organizational conflict. In addition to teaching in a graduate program, he serves as a consultant for churches who are experiencing conflict.

DAVID: I do believe that congregations and organizations function like family systems and so I think that much of what I’ve seen in the congregation would also apply to what happens in a family where abuse is revealed. And there is this ripple effect and there is polarization. Part of the reason there’s polarization is some people hear the offender’s story and some people hear the victim’s story, and so you almost by definition end up with a polarized system, whether it’s a family or a congregation. Then you have what I call the concerned and confused group in the middle, that’s heard both stories and they’re not sure what to believe. So that system always needs intervention, not just the identified offender and victims, but the broader system itself will be deeply polarized and impacted by these allegations, whether true or not, the allegations themselves will polarize. 

BURTON: Why do people say that sexual abuse and misconduct is often a case of abuse of power?

DAVID: The biggest issue for me in cases of sexual abuse or sexual misconduct is not the sex part of it; it’s the power part of it. How has power been used or misused in the situation that allowed this relationship to occur? And particularly adult with a child, we see that pretty clearly, that’s an abuse of that person’s power. But in sexual misconduct cases, even if two adults are involved, there can be the same misuse or abuse of someone’s position of power. Those impositions of power in the church have a particular responsibility to exercise that power carefully and wisely. And what I’ve found is that we sometimes downplay and deny that power is a currency in congregations, that power even exists. We might like to think that we’re all equal but in terms of positional power in the system, we’re not.

BURTON: What happens when false allegations are discovered?

DAVID: Well, I think there always needs to be a process of investigation whenever allegations come forward. I personally have not experienced a case of false allegations, but I will say in all three of these congregations where I worked, many people in those congregational systems believed that the women involved were making false allegations, initially. I think it’s simply because they couldn’t accept the possibility that this would be true of their minister or leader. So I personally would err on the side of taking the allegations very seriously, initiating an investigation process through the normal mechanisms of that congregation or denomination, and probably putting the person on some sort of paid leave during that investigation process.

BURTON: How can families and churches prevent misconduct and abuse?

DAVID: I can speak more to what churches have been doing around the country and we see this in many local congregations often encouraged by denominations to implement procedures and policies that will protect children and other vulnerable members of the congregation.

So at my own congregation, for example, on our church council we processed a policy to make sure that children are as safe as possible. That when children are together in one place, there will be ideally two adults working with them, for example, just to have a check and balance system that keeps things safe. And I would say not only for the children and youth, but also for the adult who might fear being a victim of a false allegation.

I think we can also do training for church staff and volunteers who work with children and youth. And I’m more and more convinced that we need to become comfortable with the language of power and authority in the church. Jesus said, “All authority on heaven and on earth has been given to me,” and then used that authority very carefully and very responsibly, clearly not to meet his own needs, which he could have done, but instead to ensure that the needs of others were met as much as possible. That would be my model of how to use the power and authority that we have.

BURTON: How have you worked to protect your own children?

DAVID: I think the main thing I would reflect on is the importance of open communication with our children and taking their stories seriously and not belittling in any way. So, you know, without speaking personally about any particular situation, I just learned to listen to my boys when they came back from a sitter or from school or from a friend’s house, and if there was anything that they seemed uncomfortable with, to try to give them permission to explore that and talk about it. We want to have a healthy enough relationship with our children that they’re quick to name what’s happening.

BURTON: Are there some institutional dynamics that can make an organization or congregation more prone to sexual abuse? 

DAVID: Much like in a family that protects or enables abuse, in an organization there can be patterns of secrecy, patterns of denial, patterns of minimization that really create I think a breeding ground for sexual misconduct to take place. To the degree that we can practice open communication rather than secrecy, to the degree that we commit to dealing with reality, even when it’s painful reality that we’d rather not hear about, and we create as leaders a place where students or members of the congregation or staff people at a lower level in the organization feel comfortable coming to those in leadership positions and saying, I’m uncomfortable with something. Can I talk with you about it? That permission giving, I think, is the critical piece. Then people feel comfortable voicing at an initial stage of discomfort, not when it’s further down the road.

BURTON: We thank the Brubakers for allowing these very personal stories to be told which is how so many people find the voice to tell their own stories. This is the beginning of the road to finding help and power to confront an abusive situation. You can hear or read this interview again or get information on a DVD where the family of Darrel Brubaker talk more about his whole situation and the grief they experienced in losing him so tragically. It is in our documentary called Fierce Goodbye: Living in the Shadow of Suicide. You’ll find links to information at the ShapingFamilies.com website.

And now we’ll check in with our media reviewer, Steve Carpenter, who tells about an academy award nominated film on the topic of clergy sexual abuse, Doubt.

STEVE: I’m grateful Shaping Families has tackled this difficult but important topic — sexual abuse. I’m here to talk about the highly acclaimed 2008 film adaptation of John Parker Stanley’s Pulitzer Prize winning play, Doubt, which also deals with this subject.

Set in 1964 in St. Nicholas Catholic Church’s working class neighborhood of the Bronx, Doubt pits a popular new priest, Father Flynn, played by Philip Seymour Hoffman, against a stern Catholic School Principal, Sister Beauvier, played by Meryl Streep. Amy Adams portrays a young, hopeful and somewhat naive new teacher, Sister James, who unwittingly gets caught between these two goliaths when she tells Sister Beauvier of concerns regarding her student Donald Miller, the school’s first African American pupil. Donald was pulled out of class by Father Flynn and returned with alcohol on his breath. Based on this circumstantial evidence, Sister Beauvier immediately assumes the priest is guilty of pedophilia, and vows to unmask and destroy him. Thus begins a cat and mouse game between the likeable priest and the unyielding headmistress. Is Sister Beauvier astute in challenging the priest and protecting her young charges or has her personal dislike for Father Flynn clouded her judgment? This question forcibly drives the plot forward.

Meanwhile, Father Flynn is extremely popular with the congregation. He coaches the boy’s basketball team and befriends Donald, who looks up to him and confides he too wants to become a priest.

The film explores the tension between certainty and doubt. However, the type of doubt under consideration is not religious doubt, “Does God exist?” but legal doubt, “Is he guilty?” and personal doubt, “Am I doing the right thing?”

One of the film’s ironies is Sister Beauvier doggedly pursues Father Flynn on the suspicion of an improper relationship with a student while completely ignoring the fact that Donald’s father regularly beats him. She is fixated on alleged sexual abuse by the Priest and ignores known physical abuse by the boy’s father. As David Brubaker noted in today’s program, any form of abuse is serious, it seldom stops on its own, and it needs to be confronted.

Back to the film! It contains no special effects, no computer generated graphics and no stunts. Rather, the acting, story line and dialogue carry Doubt to lofty cinematic heights. It provokes thought but doesn’t provide answers and may be dissatisfying to those who like tidy endings. It is rated PG-13 for intense dialogue and mature themes. Blessings in your work, worship, and witness.

BURTON: A difficult film to watch in many ways, as are many films or books dealing with this topic. Thanks, Steve. You can find Steve’s other movie reviews at the ShapingFamilies.com website.

MELODIE: While there, you can check out links to a helpful book on this topic, Let the Children Come: Preparing Faith Communities to End Child Abuse and Neglect. The book has a study guide and appendices useable by any congregation to help deal with this issue.

BURTON: We’ll also be happy to send you a free resource, a small booklet called “Dealing with Child Abuse.” One copy is available free, but quantities for churches, organizations or schools are also available for purchase. Just ask for the booklet, “Dealing with Child Abuse.” It is part of a whole series dealing with tough family issues.

MELODIE: You’ll find this offer on our website, ShapingFamilies.com under the “current offer” button. If you wish to call, our number is 800-245-7894. That’s different from a number we used to use. The new number again is 800-245-7894. We hope to hear from you.

BURTON: Or you can write to Shaping Families, Box 22, Harrisonburg, VA 22803. That’s Shaping Families, Box 22, Harrisonburg, VA 22803.

MELODIE: If you’d like to support this ministry offering faith-based help for families in many trying situations, we welcome your prayers and gifts. And next week we’ll hear from an author with some thoughts on how to enjoy more leisure as families. Until then, this is Melodie Davis . . .

BURTON: . . . and Burton Buller, reminding us of the power that David mentioned today. Jesus said, “All authority on heaven and earth is given to me.” We can place our trust and confidence in God. Shaping Families is a production of the Mennonite churches.