Shaping Families

Child Abuse and Neglect

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JEANETTE: (reading) “The church that refuses to acknowledge the reality of child abuse and neglect is the church that places children at risk, and one that is likely harboring offenders. A church that turns a blind eye towards child abuse leaves itself wide open and its children vulnerable.”

BURTON: You are hearing Jeanette Harder read from her new book, Let the Children Come. The book talks about how churches, schools and other agencies working with children can do better in protecting children from abuse and neglect. I’m Burton Buller and welcome to Shaping Families—where we deal with difficult topics like this.

MELODIE: And I’m Melodie Davis. Jeanette has a PhD in social work, teaching at Grace Abbott School of Social Work in Omaha, Nebraska. She is also the mother of one child. For over ten years, she has conducted research in child abuse and neglect prevention. She’s also served many years as a home visitor and foster parent.

BURTON: Jeanette herself was raised in a loving home which led to her life’swork.

JEANETTE: That was just by good luck that I was born into a family like that and that God blessed me with a family that was whole and that I could be nurtured and grow up in. As I became a social worker and began to work with families who had abused their children, I just came to love them and to see the plight that they were in, just being so isolated and so very stressed and so just seeing their plight and trying to bring together my career as a social worker as well as my profession, my faith as a Mennonite and as a Christian, I wanted to bring those together.

BURTON: How did you come to write your book on this topic?

JEANETTE: I was invited by my church to teach a Sunday school class on the role of the church in preventing child abuse. As I was looking around for a curriculum, looking for a book, anything that I could use to teach that class, I really wasn’t finding anything close to what I was looking for. And so I began to write the material and my church encouraged me to go ahead and take the next step and perhaps provide this resource to other churches as well.

BURTON: What were you trying to accomplish with the book?

JEANETTE: Let the Children Come is about a call to churches to do everything they can to protect children, both within our own families, as well as within the church, as well as in the communities in which we live, work, volunteer, and play.

BURTON: Are churches ready for that message?

JEANETTE: The church, unfortunately, in my experience, is in denial about child abuse and they tell me, we’re good people here, it doesn’t happen here, and yet I’m hearing from so many survivors and victims of abuse saying, yes it does happen here, and in fact they’re saying the church sometimes re-victimizes us by not responding, by not listening. And so I am trying to raise awareness in the church to say, hey, child abuse does exist, both within your church community as well as in your neighborhoods where it is that you go home to live. And we need to be protecting children in all of those places and I feel that that is what Jesus is calling us to do when he says, let the children come.

BURTON: Why do we hear so much about child abuse in churches? Is it more of a problem in churches, or do the media just latch on to those kinds of stories?

JEANETTE: I don’t know if it’s more of a problem, but I do know that churches by our mission is that we are open to everybody who comes to us. Sometimes we don’t realize that when we welcome these people, we also need to be working to protect those amongst us who are vulnerable. And so I think that puts us in an awkward spot.

BURTON: What is the message that you are trying to get across, especially to churches?

JEANETTE: The church has a very important part to play in protecting children from all types of child abuse and neglect, not just sexual abuse. I think the church is particularly vulnerable to sexual abuse and accusations there, but we also have a role to play in physical abuse and emotional abuse, and neglect. And in fact, more than half of our children in our country who are dying are from neglect. The church has an important part to play in protecting children in all places that we encounter them. So in our own families, as well as in our church programming — and our church programming sometimes extends the walls of our buildings— and so as our youth groups go out to campouts and retreats and things like that, we still need to be mindful of keeping kids safe.

It’s not the church’s job alone. We need to be collaborating better with community organizations. And so whether that is child protective services or the police, whether that’s non-profits that are serving families, whether that’s participating with faith-based counseling agencies, that we need to be working together because there’s things the church should be doing, things the church should not be doing. Like they should not be interviewing children, should not be investigating, should not be trying to figure out how to intervene with domestic violence and mental illness and substance abuse. Those are problems that are too complex, I think, for the church to handle on their own. So I want the church and community organizations to be finding ways to work together and build those relationships so that they can be equipped to protect children.

BURTON: Why is this important for churches?

JEANETTE: For one, we’re followers of Jesus, so we need to follow his example when he says, let the children come, and he held the children in high esteem in a society that did not. Too many families are honestly telling me that churches are not a safe place and they will never bring their child there. And I do not want that to be the case for any of our churches.

And I really uphold the Catholic Church, and they have been mandated to move to a place where they are now protecting children. They have policies, they’re doing background checks, they’re doing trainings, they’re doing so many wonderful things to protect children now. Now it’s the turn for the Mennonite church and the Protestant church to also come forth, because all of the headlines that I’m finding in newspapers right now are about Protestant churches and non-denominational churches. And that’s where the abuse is occurring. We need to step forth now before another child has to be hurt.

BURTON: Jeanette’s work has led to a new ongoing organization helping churches write policies to protect children and themselves.

JEANETTE: We have now formed The Dove’s Nest Collaborative. We are working hard to raise awareness in churches and to, more than anything, make sure that our churches have child protection policies, that we have written and adopted them, and then we’re also implementing them consistently so that our churches are being intentional about keeping our kids safe; and included in that child protection policy there needs to be a response. What are we gonna do if we do suspect child abuse and neglect? Who’s going to report it? Who are we going to tell? Also what’s gonna be our response if someone shows up and says, hey, I have offended sexually against children in the past, but I want to be a part of your congregation. How is it that I can come and be a part of your church? And the church needs to be ready to be able to respond and be able to say, yes, you can be a part of our congregations, but these are the rules you’re gonna get to follow.

BURTON: What kinds of things would you put in a church policy?

JEANETTE: For one, I want everybody in the congregation—adults and children alike—to be aware. To be able to know what are the signs, and what are the risk and protective factors for child abuse and neglect, so that when a child does need help, we’ll be ready to hear their outcry. So I want the whole church to be aware child abuse and neglect. I want us to include it in our worship, to be intentional about it, at least once a year, to be talking about child abuse and neglect during a time of worship, so it’s during the sermon, during children’s story, with responsive readings. And we have all of those kinds of resources available on The Dove’s Nest website. We also have examples of child protection policies that churches can use and adapt to their own specific situation. Many other things churches can do is to make sure that an adult is never alone with a child, so it’s called the two-adult rule. Also of course, wanting to have windows on the interior walls—in the doors, or in the walls—so that no place in our church is ever a private space that children would be finding themselves vulnerable to being alone with an individual.

BURTON: What are some signs for parents or teachers to look for regarding molestation or harassment?

JEANETTE: It’s important to know our children well and to be able to see when behaviors change. So if there is a sudden change in behavior for a child that suddenly one who is very outgoing suddenly is very quiet and very withdrawn, or maybe a child that had been more quiet suddenly becomes very aggressive or very destructive even to others. Any time there’s a drastic change in behavior, we really need to watch and see, you know, where, what is going on for that child in their environment, in their home, in their school, in their neighborhood. Also we need to be, you know, if children begin to say things repeatedly about not wanting to go home or not wanting to be in somebody’s presence, we need to respect that.

BURTON: Jeanette says that children are particularly vulnerable to neglect and abuse when their family is under a great deal of stress.

JEANETTE: I think of one family that I am aware of where a parent experienced a very severe medical crisis and the remaining parent had to juggle everything from their own employment to caring for the children to helping the other parent through the medical crisis. And I saw that as a situation where if there hadn’t been a church family involved, that family may have fallen into a place where the children’s needs were not met. But I saw the church gather around that family and be able to help to provide the childcare, help to bring food and help to raise what could have been a very, very difficult situation, to one where the children continued to be cherished and the family was able to return back to wholeness.

BURTON: Thanks for bringing more awareness and good information on this tough topic, Jeanette. I’ll let you know more about her book after we check in with another dedicated mother, Rebecca Thatcher Murcia. She likes to show some of her love for her family in the kitchen. Rebecca?

REBECCA: I very much appreciate Jeanette Harder’s call for support for vulnerable families and children. As a personal recipient of the kind of thoughtful organized support she is talking about, I can tell you that it is important. It does make a difference in helping families when they are under stress. But I also feel as though I need to strike a note of caution.

When my husband was dying of cancer six years ago, wonderful members of my church—Pilgrim’s Mennonite—cooked meals, cleaned our house, and visited constantly to help care for my husband. I remember listening to the radio when this was all going on, and hearing an interview with the leader of a small country that was experiencing some kind of national emergency like a flood or a famine.

The leader was quoted as declining international aid for the stricken people of his nation. I thought I understood exactly how he felt. I was, of course, very grateful to the people who were doing physical therapy with my husband and cleaning our toilets, but it was hard to take. As friendly and gentle as everyone was, and as grateful as I was for their help, sometimes it’s difficult to ask for help and even harder to accept it.

And sometimes help just really misses the mark. A dear neighbor brought over a little container of leftover chili. There was some congealed fat sitting around the edges of the white plastic box. My friendly neighbor smiled as she handed me her offering. “It made me a little ill when I ate it, but I thought you might like it!” she said.

Just recently, I knew the family of one of my son’s friends was in difficult straits, living in one room without a kitchen and without much money or support. I was worried about the friend and his siblings but I proceeded with caution. An offer of help can come across as an accusation.

When my husband’s cancer took a turn for the worse, our church appointed one person to be the organizer of our support. That way we were not always fielding calls from different people offering different ideas. One person figured out what we needed and how best to fill the gaps. She didn’t tell us what we needed, but gently found out what had to be done and took care of it. That way our family felt as though we were getting support, not being besieged or feeling accused of inadequacy.

Six years later, I think my teenage sons would be delighted if somebody showed up at the door with a big covered dish. You see, it’s fall and we’re eating pumpkin this and squash that. The young men think that this is a form of child abuse. But I can’t help it. It’s that time of year and I just love anything made with butternut squash, especially a simple soup with a little cream drizzled onto the top. In Akron, Pennsylvania, I’m Rebecca Thatcher Murcia.

BURTON: Look for Rebecca’s recipe at the Shaping Families website as well as in our weekly email update which shares a new recipe every week. If you haven’t signed up for that yet, you can do so at ShapingFamilies.com.

While there, you can check out links to Jeanette Harder’s book, Let the Children Come: Preparing Faith Communities to End Child Abuse and Neglect. The book has a study guide and appendices useable by any congregation to help deal with this issue. You’ll also find links to the website for the organization Jeanette spoke about, Dove’s Nest Collective: Keeping Children Safe.

MELODIE: We’ll also be happy to send you a free resource, a small booklet called “Dealing with Child Abuse.” One copy is available free, but quantities for churches, organizations or schools are also available for purchase if you call. Just ask for the booklet, “Dealing with Child Abuse.” It is part of a whole series dealing with tough family issues.

BURTON: You’ll find this offer on our website, ShapingFamilies.com under the “current offer” button. If you wish to call, our number is 800-999-3534. We hope to hear from you. That number again is 800-999-3534.

MELODIE: And join us next week! We’ll hear from Lynne Hybels, a well known author from Chicago. She’ll talk about her deep concern regarding the need for people across cultures and faiths to understand each other. It’s a needed message for our world and families today. Until then, this is Melodie Davis…

BURTON: …and Burton Buller, reminding you of the words of Jesus as emphasized by our guest today: “Let the little children come!” Shaping Families is a program of the Mennonite churches.